What Could Have Been
by JoDiNe
Summary: The title says it all. (Cordy/Angel Shipper) R
1. Chapter 1

FIC: What Could Of Been  
  
Author: Jodine  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned Angel or any of the characters in it.do you think id be writing fanfics? I think not!!  
  
Pairing: C/A Shipper All The Way  
  
Spoilers: Characters set season 3, although some events havent happened!  
  
Feedback: Yes please I'm a CC(constructive criticism) & PC(positive comments) - Aholic  
  
"Im sorry. Im Sorry. Im Sorry." he repeated over and over again. But Cordelia Chase was not a woman to be disillusioned and with her eyes stone cold she shook her head.  
  
"I dont know you anymore Angel. I dont know who you are. I dont know what you've become. All I know is that you have a certain interest in blondes that tend to have an interest with you and im no competition when it comes to either of them. Never was, Never will be."  
  
They were in her flat and Cordelia was throwing her clothes into a suitcase, untidily and Angel was trying to stop her.  
  
"Cor-" He attempted  
  
"NO ANGEL! NO! I dont want to know. You could of risked your soul going back to Sunnydale and doing.... doing what you did. And IM not going to forgive you."  
  
"But Cordelia I didnt did i, i didnt lose my damn soul so it didnt put you or anyone else in danger." He attempted again.  
  
"Angel! It didnt but it might of." She said with a glance that sent a thousand daggers straight into his soul.  
  
"Never." he whisperd  
  
"What did you say?" she asked moving onto underwear.  
  
Angel shook his head "I said Never Cordelia, I said Never."  
  
"Yeah Right, Heard THAT one before, havent we, erm need i say her name?"  
  
"No Cor you dont have to say her name."  
  
"WELL I WANT TOO, DARLA, DARLA, DARLA, DARLA, DARLA, DAR-."  
  
"Now your being irrational." He said trying to turn her body to face him.  
  
"IR RATIONAL? Irriational, im not the one that runs off to his ex every time he feels a little bit of remorse. NO. I actually talk to friends about things like that, I talk to YOU. So why couldnt you talk to me?" She asked her voice trembling with emotion.  
  
"I dont know." he said feebly clutching at his hands.  
  
"I'll tell you why!" Angel waited. "Because you didnt want to share your feelings with anyone but lil' Miss Buffy the Vampire S-"  
  
"Cor-"  
  
"Slayer, I was gonna say Slayer. Although now that you mention it im starting to think maybe she falls in love with vampires a little to often, maybe half way through the deed she decides to stake em'. Y'know things have changed since high school, when she used to actually use Mr Pointy." Cordelia sighed and closed her full case. "Have a happy Christmas Angel." With a brisk walk she headed out of the door leaving Angel on sat on the bed.  
  
"Cordelia?" He asked.  
  
"What?" she replied just as she stepped outside of the front door.  
  
"Why are you so bothered that i went back to Buffy?" Angel asked.  
  
"Because you didnt need to go to Sunnydale to find love, Angel." she replied closing the door slowly, "Because I loved you right here in L.A"  
  
Angel sat in silence, her voice running through his head.  
  
"I loved you right here in L.A. I loved you right here in L.A."  
  
"She loves me?" he replied with joy and a whiteboard flew at him. smacking him straight on the forehead. Angel picked it up, knowing it was only Dennis, Cordy's friendly Poltergeist flat mate.  
  
With the three little words that was written in quotation marks on the whiteboard, Angels heart shattered into a thousand pieces knowing he had just lost what could of been the greatest love of his life.  
  
"She *LOVED* You" 


	2. Chapter 2

"Do you want to help me decorate the tree?" Giles asked the brunette who was sat on the couch. He had just found all of the old Christmas decorations in his junk room and had just about managed to sort the good from the bad.  
  
Cordelia uncurled her legs and shook her head, "No thanks Giles." Standing she decided she felt like a walk and made her way to the spare room where she had been sleeping to find her coat.  
  
Giles watched her go to his spare room, and his eyes filled with pity for the ex may queen. She re-appeared in the living room a few minutes later dressed in her coat and scarf to keep out the cold. Slipping her shoes on she smiled at the man that had let her stay at his house for Christmas.  
  
"I'll be back in a while, do you want me to get anything while I'm out?"  
  
He smiled and shook his head, "Not unless you see anything nice to go on the tree."  
  
She smiled back and opened the door to be greeted by a draft of cold nights air. Closing the door softly behind her she began to walk. Not having a plan to walk anywhere, she just walked deciding to just go where he mood felt like taking her.  
  
Not hurrying she walked along the path with her hands in her coat pockets. She glanced to her right and saw a massive Christmas tree in a house that had frost nearly covering the entire window. Nearly. She could see right into the room, she saw the tree and children sat around the tree and she could see all the presents that were laid neatly out in front of it.  
  
Sighing she realized that she was nearly at the Summers' house. Knowing that she wouldn't be entirely welcome there, she tried not to look, but she couldn't help herself. As she walked past the front of the house, the door opened and Buffy stepped out onto the porch. Behind her followed Xander, Anya and Spike. Cordelia went to keep walking but as she attempted to walk a little bit further a voice called her name.  
  
"Cordelia?" Cordelia recognized that it was Xander and before she knew it, her entire body had been swirled around and there she was stood in front of the first boy she had ever loved.  
  
As she looked into his eyes he could only see pain and loneliness. Smiling at her he tried to embrace her in a friendly hug but found that her concentration was elsewhere. And as he looked behind him, to where Cordelia's eyes were focused he saw a tall, dark haired vampire standing in his leather duster, dressed in black staring at him with the weirdest expression.  
  
As he recognized the vampires face, he heard a shrill shout of joy come from Buffy as the blonde raced out onto the front to greet her old boyfriend.  
  
As Xander turned to question Cordelia he saw nothing and as he looked down the street he saw a figure, running, running from what he realized had hurt her most. And without realizing it, he ran right after her, ignoring the shouts of protest that Anya tried to give him.  
  
As Cordelia's legs slowed 10 minutes later, she fell to the floor and sobbed her heart out on the pavement. She did not feel the presence of Xander near her and did not even protest when she was scooped from the ground by a pair of arms that hugged her close. Knowing not to question the girl he walked slowly, hugging her every step of the way until he reached the Watchers house. Rapping his knuckles against the door, it opened and Giles stood smiling. His smile quickly vanished as he noticed the girl wrapped in Xander's arms and stood aside to let the pair in.  
  
"What happened?" Giles asked, as Xander placed Cordelia onto the couch. He did not leave her on her own; instead he sat on the edge of the couch and brushed her hair behind her ear soothing her tears.  
  
"I'm not sure." Xander replied, "I don't even know when she got here."  
  
"Two days ago." Giles replied, "She's been staying with me, so its a good job you brought her here first."  
  
"Oh, well I didn't think Anya would be too pleased if I took her to mine," was Xander's reply, astonished that the Watcher had known that Cordelia Chase was in town. It shocked him at the tone the Watcher used when talking about the ex May Queen and it surprised him that the Watcher could of bonded with Cordelia so quickly.  
  
Xander realized that Cordelia was asleep and Giles' quickly indicated for him to pick her up and carry her to the spare room. When she was in bed Xander turned out the light and as he left the room. As he stood in the doorway and looked back on the sleeping girl, he realized that his ex girlfriend had changed since he had last seen her. Frowning he realized that for her to break down in the way that she had, she must of been in so much pain and it saddened him that he didn't know what had caused it. Vowing to find out, he closed the door and quietly returned to the living room. 


	3. Chapter 3

Cordelia sat quietly in an empty room. It had been a couple of days since she had seen Angel at Buffy's house, but for her it seemed as clear as if it had happened that day. She stood from the bed and looked out of the window. It was snowing softly and she let out a suprised gasp and cursed Xander Harris under her breath. Outside her window on the lawn was an obviously fake snowman, with a woolly hat, scarf and plastic carrot stuck on for its nose. The snow that was falling was hardly gathered on the grass so the snowman was foolishly stupid, but it made her smile just as Xander knew it would.  
  
It was midday and the sky was oddly stroked with red, but it was deliciously cold, and Cordelia couldnt help but shiver. She'd been up a few hours, reading in her room and as she she exited her temporary bedroom she,found herself in the living room which was how she had expected it. Warm and festive with the christmas tree weirdly decorated with odd bits and bobs and the fire on. Only a day away from Christmas yet Cordelia had nothing to be happy about. When she had arrived it Sunnydale she had planned to visit her parents, but had found that the Chase residence had been cleared and all of her stuff had gone with the rest of the family. Elsewhere. Emotionless she had been about to turn and leave Sunnydale when she had ran into Giles and the two of them had gone into a small cafe for some nice english tea and some very american coffee. Then he had offered her a place to stay, food for as long as she needed it, all for reasons she couldnt think of. She didnt know why the watcher had offered her anything and she wondered how a man such as him could offer her anything after what a bitch she had been in Highschool. When she had asked he had only smiled and told her that everyone deserved a place to stay over christmas.  
  
Now he was in the kitchen as he always was. Making some fresh tea. Smiling at the faint humming she could hear she curled up on the sofa with a cushion in front of her and a blanket over her toes.  
  
"Hello." He said happily as he approached his arm chair, arms laden with cups and biscuits.  
  
"Hi Giles." She repeated standing up to help him place the things onto the coffee table.  
  
Shooing her he placed them all down on his own and then passed her a cup of fresh coffee that he knew she preffered rather to tea. Pouring himself a cup of tea from the hot tea pot he stole a biscuit from a newly opened box and she did the same and he smiled at her warmly.  
  
"Buffy called last night." he began, slowly as not to upset the brunette.  
  
Cordelia merely nodded and continued to sip at her well made coffee.  
  
"She wanted to talk to you." he continued.  
  
But still she didnt reply and he thought what to say next.  
  
"I said you were asleep." he finished.  
  
"I was asleep." she said carefully.  
  
"So you can talk to her today then?" Giles asked.  
  
Cordelia shook her head, "No, I'm leaving today."  
  
"Leaving? But Cordelia its Christmas. Where will you stay?" He asked shocked.  
  
"I've got a cousin that lives in New York, i was thinking of visiting her for while." she said adamantly.  
  
"Well cant you at least stay over Christmas?" Giles asked hoping the girl would accept.  
  
She nodded, "I suppose i could. But i dont want to talk to Buffy."  
  
Giles questioned her, "Cordelia? What did Buffy do? I know you two have never seen eye to eye, but i dont understand."  
  
"It doesnt matter Giles. I cant explain. I'll stay for Christmas dinner, and then leave late afternoon, if thats okay?" she stated.  
  
Giles nodded and guessed that the conversation was over.  
  
  
  
"Angel do you want a cup of blood?" Dawn called from the kitchen.  
  
"No I bloody well dont." Angel said under his breath.  
  
"Shut it, just cos your brooding dont mean you gotta take it out on the Niblet." A blonde vampire growled at him in a low voice and then spoke louder so Dawn could here him, "Angel said 'He would love some' and i would too."  
  
"K." Dawn called back and Spike heard the vampire growl and then watched him as he jumped off the couch and begin pacing.  
  
"Angel I thought we agreed, you'd stop pacing if i sorted things." Buffy's voice said from the doorway and Angel glanced up to the petite blonde slayer, as he continued pacing.  
  
"We did, but you didnt, so im not." He replied stating a fact that he was obviously angry about.  
  
"Well at least stop for the carpets sake. Your starting to wear it out." Buffy replied forecefully and then held up the portable phone, "I just rang Giles. He says Cordelia was going to leave today."  
  
"TODAY? Today?" Angel shouted, and rushed to the door, but was thankfully held back by his ex.  
  
"Woah Angel, slow down. Its light outside and plus Giles said that 'she *was* going today'." Buffy said pushing him back to the couch.  
  
Angel sighed and waited for her continue.  
  
"Shes leaving tommorow, late afternoon, but she's said she wont talk to me. Giles seemed unclear about the reasons why and to be frank so am i because you havent told us, why shes here, why your here and why shes upset with you. So i think that you, Angel, should start talking." She said quickly.  
  
"Now would be a good time." she added when she didnt get a response.  
  
"She's angry." Angel said with a frown.  
  
"Well i never would of guessed that." spike added but quickly shut up when he saw the looks his grandsire was giving him, "I'll go and erm get my blood."  
  
He went into the kitchen and shut the door leaving the slayer and the vampire with the soul alone.  
  
Buffy sat on the couch next to him and looked at him expectantly, "So? Angel whats going on?"  
  
"Shes angry." he repeated, "at me."  
  
"Why?" she asked.  
  
"Shethinksweslepttogether." Angel said quickly.  
  
"She what?" Buffy almost yelled.  
  
"She thinks you two-" but Spike was quickly yanked back into the kitchen and the door was closed promptly.  
  
"Im sorry." Anegl said, "It was the only way."  
  
"She what?" she almost yelled again, still dazed from what he had just told her, closing her eyes she tried to make herself calm down and ended up yelling a load of questions at him.  
  
"Why? Why was it the only way? What happened? Why? How did we? What? ANGEL WHY DID YOU TELL HER THAT?"  
  
"Im sorry." he repeated trying not to meet the slayers gaze  
  
"Damn right you are, i mean we didnt, y'know, did we?"  
  
"No." he said shaking his head.  
  
"So why did you tell her we did?" she asked confused  
  
"Because i had to find out how she felt about me."Angel said and his comment angered her further.  
  
"So you told her YOU SLEPT WITH ME?" Buffy shouted angrily.  
  
Angel nodded and Buffy hit him around the head.  
  
"SHE THINKS THAT IF YOU CAME RUNNING BACK ID SLEEP WITH YOU. YOU MADE HER THINK THAT IM A WHORE. ANGEL, HOW COULD YOU."  
  
Angel shrugged trying to back away from the angry slayer.  
  
"Hang on a minute." Buffy said taking everything in, "What do you mean by 'I had to find out how she felt about me'."  
  
"I love her." he whispered.  
  
"Jesus." Buffy said and sat in silence looking at the vampire who was holding his head in his hands.  
  
Then when she noticed that he he was shaking she found that he was nearly crying.  
  
Her eyes questioned him intently.  
  
"I love her. But ive lost her." he repeated running his hands through his hair, and slowly she wrapped her arms around, comforting the vampire that had once been the greatest love of her life and now was a wreck in her arms.  
  
"Its okay. Its okay." She tried to reassure him as she rocked him like a baby in her arms and she hoped to god that everything would be. 


	4. Chapter 4

"What am I going to do Spike? It's been hours since I called Giles and I still have an almost crying vampire in there and he's just told Cordelia Chase that I slept with him and I have no idea what to do and why are you looking at me like that?" Buffy asked the blonde vampire. She was sat on the kitchen work surface and he was leaning against it also looking at her with a strange look in his eyes.  
  
"Are you not angry with him?" The blonde vampire asked leaning towards her slightly.  
  
"Of course I am, he's just told Cordelia that I slept with him, when I didn't. I am no slu-" she began but was interrupted by his laughing, "Hey what are you laughing at?"  
  
"Slayer! All he did was tell her that you two slept together, after all you are supposed to be in love with him. But all you can think about is that he told her something that wasn't true, why are you so bothered?" he asked.  
  
"Because, because of-"  
  
"Because of what?" He said prompting her  
  
"Because of you." She said finally realizing the true reason.  
  
He laughed, "I'm honored."  
  
"Wouldn't you care: if I had slept with him?" Buffy asked him as he stood in front of her, close to her yet not touching, putting his hands either side of her on the counter he stared into her eyes.  
  
"Yes. But it wouldn't be my choice, it would be yours." he said slowly and he was answered with a kiss that lasted for what Spike thought was a lifetime. Drawing her head away she put a hand against his face and smiled at him.  
  
"I'm going to have to go and talk to Cordelia, will you watch Angel?" Buffy asked him.  
  
"No." Spike shook his head, "You need to let Angel go and sort things out himself, otherwise he'll never be able to tell her the truth."  
  
Buffy nodded knowing Spike was right, "We'll go too, so Cordelia can see that it couldn't of been true."  
  
"But that will mean Giles and Angel and everyone will know. Buffy you understand they wont agree with us." Spike stated.  
  
Buffy silenced him with another kiss and jumped off the work surface. "They don't have to agree Spike, we have to agree and they have to just accept it."  
  
Leaving him astounded in the kitchen Spike realized Buffy had just openly admitted she liked him and was planning on letting everyone know how she felt. Smiling to himself he checked the kitchen clock. 9:45. it was 2 hours and 15 minutes to go before Christmas came, but Spike had just received his gift early and was planning on letting it last for a lifetime.  
  
KNOCK KNOCK  
  
"Cordelia can you get that please?" Giles called from the kitchen and Cordelia nodded into thin air and jumped up to get the door. Opening it, she smiled and then laughed at the visitors taste in clothes.  
  
"Suits you." She laughed at the man that stood before her dressed up as Father Christmas.  
  
"Have you been a good girl this year?" Father Christmas asked her as he walked into the house and sat in a chair.  
  
"Yes Santa." Cordelia replied and giggled as Xander took off his hat and pointed towards the presents he had brought with him.  
  
"One for you and one for Giles." He said with a smile.  
  
"Where's Anya?" Cordelia asked  
  
"I'm here." The ex demon called from the door her arms also laden with presents.  
  
Cordelia waved her in and offered to unburden her by taking a few of the presents from her hands.  
  
"Hey guys." Cordelia heard another voice from the door and in walked Willow and Tara, which prompted Giles to exit the kitchen.  
  
"Look who we found wandering the streets." Willow said with a smile and into Giles' house walked Fred, Gunn, Lorne and Wesley.  
  
Fred squealed as she saw her best friend sat before the tree and ran to hug her. Cordelia stood and hugged her back. "Hey Fred."  
  
Fred slapped Cordelia on the arm and the brunette stepped back in surprise, "Don't leave like that." Fred exclaimed and Gunn stepped forward to hug Cordelia also.  
  
"Yeah what she did, and what she said." Gunn said with a smile and then stepped back to let Wesley hug his friend.  
  
"Wes, I've missed you." Cordelia whispered as she hugged her British friend.  
  
"Likewise." He stated and then the whole mood was broken by Lorne who had started singing 'O' Christmas Tree, O' Christmas Tree'.  
  
"Lorne what are you doing here?" She asked running to greet her green singing demon friend.  
  
"Its Christmas, and you guys are my friends and my friends are family, so I decided to come for a little road trip." He stated.  
  
"I'm glad." Cordelia said with a smile that lit up the room.  
  
"So am I!" A voice said loudly from the doorway.  
  
"Angel?" Cordelia asked watching Buffy, Spike and Dawn enter the house. Once they had entered her gaze fell on the tall vampire with the dark soulful eyes.  
  
"Can I come in?" He asked slowly.  
  
She nodded and Giles spoke for her, "Come in Angel."  
  
The vampire with a soul stepped through the doorway and closed the door quickly. Everyone apart from Cordelia and Angel, were all trying to fit into the kitchen and bedrooms so the two could be alone and once they were Cordelia's hands flew to her face preventing Angels gaze from reaching her eyes.  
  
"Cor-" Angel began and then seeing his seers body start to shake he decided on the more upfront approach.  
  
"I never slept with Buffy." He stated quickly, "I admit I slept with Darla, and I came back and you found out and you forgave me, but I honestly didn't sleep with Buffy." He walked towards her.  
  
"If he had, I would of killed him." A voice shouted from the kitchen and Cordelia was certain it had been Spike's.  
  
"Angel, don't lie to me." Cordelia whispered, "I don't want you to lie to me."  
  
"I am not lying Cordy, I'm not lying to you. I can't lie to you. I admit I can keep things from you, just as you can keep things from me. But I can never lie to you." He whispered now in front of her, although her hands were still guarding her face.  
  
"Why? Why did you say it?" she asked.  
  
"Because I had to know Cordy, I had to know whether you cared for me in any way." he said trying to tell her the truth.  
  
"So you found out, but broke my heart in the process?" Cordelia asked moving away from him.  
  
"I never meant to hurt you!" He explained sincerely, pulling her hands from her face and wrapping his arms around her, "I never meant to hurt you."  
  
"You did Angel, but I love you." She said as tears rolled down her face and onto his shirt.  
  
Looking into hopeful eyes, his lips brushed hers. Softly he whispered and their fate was sealed, "I love you too Cordelia. I love you too." 


End file.
